A White House Whoopin’

As the trumpets sounded and the gates to the Washington Nationals bullpen burst open the four Racing Legends emerged running as fast as they could towards the Diamondbacks dugout. During the pre-game warm-ups you could see a look of determination in Racing Gracie’s large foam eyes. Clearly he was taking tonight’s race seriously; perhaps tonight was the night he finally broke through for his first victory.

Through the first leg of the race, Racing Gracie was pulling away from his competition. Each stride seemed to be longer than the last and he was in cruise control by the time he reached the Washington Nationals dugout. It looked as though nothing could stop Racing Gracie.

I leapt from my seat screaming at the Lovable Losing Legend hopefully giving him the encouragement he needed to reach the finish line. As Racing Gracie reached the Washington Nationals on-deck circle the unthinkable happened.

Four former US Presidents leapt out and grabbed Racing Gracie and pinned him next to the wall. From my vantage point it was unclear where these presidents came from or even which presidents they were.

One of the White House cretins was Abe Lincoln, he was hard to miss considering he was taller than the others and had on that black stove pipe hat. It also looked like George Washington was among the thugs or at least someone wearing a white wig and what looked like wooden teeth. The other two were behind Racing Gracie holding his arms.

To his credit, Racing Gracie fought hard to escape his captives. His big foam eyes showed equal parts of fear and determination. What happened next was completely unexpected (which is saying something considering no one expected to see a gang of presidents get out onto the field and disrupt a Racing Legends race in the first place).

The three other Legends approached the scene of the scuffle. Abe Lincoln was waving to the other Legends to hurry and take the lead while they held Gracie to the wall.

I don’t know about you but I’ve become a little apprehensive of governmental help and it seems so have the Racing Legends. When Randy Johnson arrived at the scene, instead of running by he took out Abe Lincoln with a clothesline move knocking him all the way back to the civil war. Lincoln’s hat went flying, as did the once again dead president.

Luis Gonzalez was the next to arrive and tore through another one of the presidents. Matt Williams lowered his giant foam head and bowled over the third president pushing through him without breaking stride.

Three of the would-be presidential attackers had been neutralized leaving Racing Gracie to go mano-a-mano with one Teddy Roosevelt. With ninja like precision Gracie disposed of our 26th president.

Unfortunately by the time Gracie bested the president Matt Williams had already won the race. While he was not successful in winning a Legends Race, Grace can lay claim to one thing: He is at least beat a president who has been dead for 92 years.


About Jeff Summers

Just a guy from Section 132 Row 9 Seat 9 trying to understand the metaphysics of baseball and whether the knuckleball defies Newton's first law of motion.
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