Any good battle that wants to capture the public’s attention needs a good name. Who could forget the Thriller in Manila, or the Rumble from Down Under? Those are both such classic names that they immediately bring to mind the epic event that occurred.
After watching the most recent Legends Race at Chase Field, we have got to come up with a killer name to describe what fans saw at the end of the fifth inning.
As was discussed yesterday, the Mark Grace Legend has dug himself quite a hole. After an 0-20 start there were many around the mascot nation who were now comparing Grace with Teddy Roosevelt and his 0-317 record. That is definitely not a neighborhood you ever want to move into, especially if you want to see your property values increase.
So the pressure is mounting on Grace to show what he is made of and I don’t mean just polyester and foam. Now, he needs to step it up and prove to everyone that he is capable of winning at least one race.
With the final out of the fifth inning, the public address announcer bellowed to the crowd to direct their attention to the Washington Nationals bullpen, as the Diamondbacks Legends race was about to begin. At that moment the gates flew open and out rushed the contestants.
What was this? Instead of the all too familiar Matt Williams, Luis Gonzalez, Randy Johnson, and Grace we saw George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt! It felt like some sort of rip in the mascot time-space continuum. I have expected to see D.Baxter appear wearing a San Diego Chicken head or something.
Behind the four dead but rather speedy presidents emerged the Diamondbacks Legends who were now several lengths behind. As they approached the Nationals dugout the Legends had caught up to the presidents.
In an act of teamwork that defined the Diamondbacks Legends, the boys in polyester and foam began taking out the presidents one by one. When playing rock-paper-scissors rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper covers rock. In fights containing foam mascots and powdered wigs, polyester beats the crap out of white wigs every time.
I haven’t seen that many broken presidents since the guy at Mount Rushmore sneezed while using a jackhammer. There were founding fathers lying all over the on-deck circle.
I’m not positive but I could have sworn George Washington’s wooden teeth shattered throwing dangerous wooden projectiles all over the field. Perhaps those teeth were maple and we all know how Mark Grace feels about maple bats and teeth.
The Legends turned the corner with just Lincoln standing in their way. The Big Unit took on Honest Abe shoving his head up his stovepipe hat. It wasn’t pretty but in the end Matt Williams was the winner.
Grace ended up in third but you have to look on the bright side, at least he beat Teddy Roosevelt and I mean that literally. All that remains is to come up with a name for this incredible battle.