Is There Anything Worse Than a Wedgie?

Perhaps the one word in the English language that will make an average adult cringe and shudder is “wedgie”. At one point or another in everyone’s life they have experienced the “wedgie”.

For those who are not from this planet or who go “commando” let me explain what constitutes a “wedgie”. A “wedgie” occurs when a person’s underwear are pulled up from the back wedging them firmly in your buttocks.

There are of course variations to the standard “wedgie”. There is the “hanging wedgie” were a person is suspended by their wedged underwear. Then there is the Melvin where the underwear is pulled up from the front rather than the rear. The female equivalent of the Melvin is sometimes referred to as the Minerva.

The mother of all “wedgies” is the Atomic Wedgie where the waistband of the recipient’s underwear is stretched up and over the head. Well tonight we might just have witnessed what I have termed the “Legends Wedgie”.

When the Diamondbacks began the Legends race at the end of the fifth inning of the game against the San Francisco Giants, Luis Gonzalez, Matt Williams, and Randy Johnson burst out of the bullpen and began racing towards home plate.

As has become almost a tradition, Mark Grace stumbled out of the blocks and was bringing up the rear. At the midpoint of the race Grace began to regain his form and started to make a move on the leaders.

The other three Legends had different ideas. They began running three abreast all the way down the warning track. Grace was trapped behind this wedge unable to pass. He attempted his best Red Rover imitation but the other Legends held on tight pushing Grace to the back in a sense giving him a wedgie.

Was the race ended Williams crossed the finish line first followed by Johnson and Gonzalez. Grace staggered over the line in last place. As the Legends began leaving the field, I could not help but notice that Grace’s baseball pants were firmly wedged in his backside. This truly was a wedgie for all time and ran Grace’s loss record to 0-16 this season.

About Jeff Summers

Just a guy from Section 132 Row 9 Seat 9 trying to understand the metaphysics of baseball and whether the knuckleball defies Newton's first law of motion.
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One Response to Is There Anything Worse Than a Wedgie?

  1. Anything worse than that?
    Lets continue the races and find out!

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